GET THE LOOK
(Beanie sold out in zara but found a similar one on Asos here)
Jumper: Zara (Sold out, Similar one here)
Trousers: Zara (Old one, Similar here)
I always like to think that every situation needs closure.. a reason behind why you did not get that job, why people are horrible to you, why you and your partner did not work out? And I have finally realised … that sometimes that is just not an option.
A relationship I once held close to me has come to an end… and I know I have to accept responsibility on what has happened. I got another rejection email from a potential dream job. I have been unwell for weeks and not feeling 100%.
Before I get to the positivity of it all.. which I always do, eventually. I want to take time to explain the amount of hurt I am feeling. In the previous post I wrote about being branded “too sensitive” in ‘The Only me i can be…’ and in a situation like this one I definitely feel like I could be in that category…
Let me explain, In my blog post ‘The rejection bias…’ my photographer for that shoot was SA. And at the time I was in a what was meant to be casual relationship.. basically a friends with benefits. SA and I had previously met on Tinder, dated for a couple of months… we realised we could not be together: SA is allergic to cats and I have my beautiful fluffy rag doll Phoebe.
This was hard for me to realise. Once I like someone, I like them. I find it quite hard to think logically when I like someone even though I know it can not/will not last.
Therefore unless SA decided to take anti-histamines forever or I gave up Phoebe it could not go forward. SA ended that in a way I did not appreciate or deserve; dumped by text. I was furious with SA. I was so hurt, felt so confused, just so… rejected.
This was someone that I valued, someone that I thought I had a bond with someone who I thought gave me no bullshit. And to be fair on SA the text was very to the point and honest. Which I did appreciate. However I did not respond, I figured that if SA could drop me like that then I would get over it and move on.
And I tried… for a few months. We had only been together for a couple of months so I figured it would take a couple of months to be fine.
However, I felt there was no closure. I did not have my big yelling match with SA, the whole how hurt I was at the consequences of that text. I wanted that.
So I got back in touch. SA was sorry, understood that how it ended was not a way that I deserved or warranted. And we decided that our situations would not change and we should just be friends… and obviously that changed to friends with benefits.
I can not explain how attracted to SA I was.
Again, no logic… then again SA was typical of my past exes. I do not seem to have a physical type, I have a personality type. I am pretty sure that if all my exes somehow ended up in a room together not realising their connection was me they would all end up being drinking buddies. Or friends.
Anyway I digress. My last evening with SA was quite boozy and nostalgic – a whole what could have been theme. SA said if I didn’t have a cat we probably would be together and I said if I didn’t have a cat a know I would still be with SA. The whole situation was pretty confusing… SA wanted me to go out and date, but did not want to know. But then SA told me about their past dates and I did not want to know either but since we technically were not together I had no right to complain.
A previous conversation with my friend Romy lead me to the worry that I could be in love with SA. I hoped to holy hell I wasn’t cause what would be the point in that!? I was scared shitless. There was no denying I had strong feelings for SA but to call it love was terrifying and I knew I would just end up hurt.
I told SA that night that there was a possibility I might be and their response was “Probably not, why the hell would you be in love with me? I’m a grumpy bastard” or something to that affect and I laughed. Cause SA was right! They were a grumpy bugger.
That was probably when it was going to end, in hindsight.
After driving me to work the next day I didn’t hear from SA for a day and I just figured they wanted space. Or was busy living life.
However, drunken me is not as patient or understanding. Drunk me is a whole other blog post; but basically drunk me, when am angry is a complete argumentative bitch! And I do not like me when I get like that!
I sent SA messages, deleted them so I have no clue what i said and called SA at 5am, probably more than once. (FML)
Needless to say I have not heard form SA since and probably never will. I sent a message to apologise for my behaviour and that is all I can do. It is up to SA to forgive or not and I can not blame SA for their decision to not get back in contact. I will never know what I said… and knowing how mean I can get when drunk I do not want too.
GET THE LOOK
But that is a closure I know is not an option and that is ok.
I will probably never get closure from SA and if I am honest. In a situation like the above it is probably for the best.
When I told my mum and Caz what happened they were said for me cause they knew how I felt but they both said it was for the best. Where could it go? How could we be together?
And they were right.
Closure from SA is not an option, but hindsight and closure from myself I can and always will get.
My perception on this ending can help me better myself and recognise that a criteria for being a partner in my life is Phoebe… or as SA referred to her as ‘the cat’ … she is my wee one. I love her dearly. And I need someone that understands that and accepts it. At a push tolerates it but Phoebe is gonna stay not matter what.
I respected SA for not making me feel like my feelings for Phoebe were insignificant even if they did not understand it. But that is not enough for me.
What has been your self-closure moments? Any lessons you’ve learned about your situation or yourself?
Thanks for reading my lovelies