Photographer: Michael Knight
GET THE LOOK
Cardigan: Boohoo, (Sold out, similar one here)
Top: Primark, (Another t-shirt that I would wear with this outfit! here)
Skirt: Zara, (Sold out, similar one here)
Belt: Primark, (Similar one here)
Shoes: Stradivarius (Sold out, i would wear these shoes with this outfit too)
Necklace: Accessorize, (Had this necklace for years, yes I am a hoarder! but found this necklace that I would have loved to wear with this outfit!)
And I definitely mean that. Hindsight can make what would seem like a sad ending into a meaningful experience, a life lesson, a wonderful thing.
In a previous post ‘The times closure is not an option…’ I spoke about my situation with SA and how I didn’t get closure after the 6 weeks silence from SA after a drunken night of too many whiskeys (never again!) and embarrassingly late (or early depending on how you look at it) phone calls.
Turns out SA slept through all my phone calls. So my worry over being a bitch was void. So panic over with that situation.
How do I know that?
Well on saturday night after an incredibly awkward tinder date at a lovely comedy gig I ended up waiting in the queue for Berkley’s suite to meet my friends when I felt my phone start buzzing.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw it was SA phoning me from facebook messenger. I was so happy and excited. When I answered it SA was, for some reason, angry and confrontational; asking me why I hadn’t responded to his messages and I said I didn’t receive any, which SA didn’t believe. To be honest I didn’t believe SA had sent me any and was just talking bs.
Once SA got off the phone he sent me screen shot images of his several messages to me that went unanswered.
And I was incredibly confused. I screen shot my phone screen and showed him I hadn’t got any of his messages and I figured he was done with me, had enough of me. I needed to respect that and move on.
Apparently that wasn’t the case.
He was away for work and only got back on the Friday and then phoned me on the Saturday. It was hard to talk on the phone in a busy nightclub queue so we agreed to speak about it later and I would enjoy my night out with my friends.
And I did! Had a good boogie, chatted to some lovely folk and ended up back at an afters in this most beautiful building with a balcony looking over the River Clyde. It was stunning.
I couldn’t enjoy my night any further. I felt so guilty – the reason why I had essentially patched SA without realising it is because I blocked his number. I do not remember doing this but I did so that is why I did not get back to him and left him in limbo. I felt so so bad that I put him in that situation. When you hurt someone you care about the guilt is just so damn strong!
I wanted to prove to him that I missed him and wanted to see him, so I did a very stupid thing; I paid £80 for a taxi to his. (As you can guess he lives quite a bit away from Glasgow!) My friends told me not to do it. That I should wait till Sunday when I could get a train. But I didn’t want to wait; my guilt and happiness at seeing him combined with alcohol made me need to see him that night.
I went, in the snow, to get to him.
We just hugged when I got there. I was so so happy to see him, that even though I was desperate for the toilet I just stood and hugged him.
And I figured this is it, this is us finally giving it a go. He said all these wonderful things; how he had fallen for me, how much he missed me, how hurt he was that I had ignored him, how lucky he is because I am so beautiful and I am his. Which so unlike him that I believed him.
He is not a…. not sure how to say this… emotionally eloquent man? He is not good at expressing himself and his feelings whereas as you guys can guess from how I write I am very in touch with my feelings and keen to express them all the damn time.
SA always claimed he did not say any bs. He doesn’t lie. That alone should have let me realise that he probably wasn’t being honest; everyone lies. Sometimes its just little white lies or necessary ones but everyone does it. I do my best to try not to lie. I don’t like it.
But I believed him. The way he looked at me, the way he was with me that night/day I figured he was being sincere.
He dropped me off home the next night, I did not want to stay two nights away from Phoebe. She is my little rag doll after all and a very needy cat.
But wait a minute… isn’t SA allergic to cats and used that as an excuse to break up with me the first time?
GET THE LOOK
Well remembered…. yes he did.
And yes thats right.
He did it again.
I messaged him on Monday and got a reply a few hours later saying he was going to T’s place (his best friends) so I left him to his night with his boy.
Called and Messaged him on Tuesday; nothing.
Same again on Wednesday; nothing
Thursday we were meant to have our date so did the same as above and again nothing.
On Wednesday I was beginning to think he needed time to think and I asked him if he needed space. If he did that I would give it to him and wait till he was ready to figure it out.
A part of me was thinking he was still angry at me for not messaging him back for so long. To which I couldn’t say much and not get angry at him for doing the same because I understood. I was not keen on the thought of him getting back to me on purpose… because I thought it was a bit petty and childish.
I got a long text back from him yesterday. To let me know it was over and again the reason being was Phoebe. This is when I can’t wait for hindsight. Why would a boy tell you he is falling for you? Why would he say he wants to make it work? Why give me all the lines.. when I was trying so hard to get over him and not have these feelings to drag me back to him to then just ditch me?
As I am writing this I am listening to sad songs. I am a mix of angry and sad; sad because someone I cared about and believed in was not who I thought he was. And angry at the same time.
Last time he dumped me, it was by text. And i told him how upset I was that he didn’t have the respect to tell me to my face or even call me to talk about it. He apologised and agreed I deserved better and then he does it again.
And I don’t think I even need hindsight for this situation because after SA doing that to me for the second time. As far as I am concerned I am done. I am not a massive fan of men at times (I am so sorry guys because I KNOW not all men are bad but unfortunately several life experiences has left me a bit weary of/around them.) but I try my best not to let my past experiences close me off and make me jaded. I want to believe people when they say things to me. I wanted to believe SA when he said he wanted to be with me, wanted to somehow make it work but that was not the case. And once I don’t trust in what you say, your actions are set to hurt me on purpose – then am done. Romantically.
SA asked to be friends and the way I am feeling right now I do not ever want to speak to him again. But I will wait a few days and see how I feel before I close the door completely.
I try my best not to make these decisions of cutting someone out my life rashly. I have seen it done a lot in my life; where people declare they will never speak to so-and-so again because of blah blah and then two weeks later they are back to being best friends or partners again and I am just left baffled by them.
However people do deserve a second chance. I believe almost everyone does within reason. Hindsight will be a wonderful thing for this situation. At this moment I feel like SA just used me… I do not want to feel like this. I thought the times we had together were nice memories and this feeling will taint that. I hope hindsight will help me reflect back more positively.
I do know that SA is right about one thing; I definitely deserve better than this.
Thanks for reading my lovelies