Photographer: Laura Griffin
GET THE LOOK
(couldn’t find it on the primark website so here is a similar one from BOOHOO here)
(comes in a few different colours, i just liked grey to go with this outfit!)
Crop Top: Zara
(sold out, but another one i would wear for this outfit is from ASOS here)
(To be honest these are old old Jamie toyshop jeans, they are acid wash skinny and I went into Primark yesterday and they do cheaper high waist skinny that look and feel about the same! Here they are)
(sold out, but similar ones from Zara here)
Within the last 15 years my cinema phobia increases and decreases … it is entirely situational. I never used to have such an aversion to it… and only one moment stuck out as to why I developed one.
Well those that voted on my twitter poll wanted to hear about my cinema phobia and here it is; where it all began! Are you ready to get some insight into my sordid past?
Good cause this isn’t that bad ahaha. Its more a bit sad so this is a warning there could be some trigger words or feelings in this. So if you are already in a delicate headspace I would recommend reading this at a later date.
After reading a post by Grace F Victory’s on twitter I felt she highlighted a good point about triggers. We all have them. And it can open up a whole can of worms. So just in case..
I dont want to make anyone upset I just want to share my story and let you guys know that you are not alone in having these feelings; of anxiety, paranoia, fear, rejection.
So with that in mind here it is;
Ok I need to give some backstory for this to make sense, to paint a picture of it if you will… but with words.
I am a very nervous and anxious person. I over analysis almost every situation I have ever been in. I say almost because there are a few times in my life that I do not think and just do whatever the hell I want – basically being bit of a dick to my friends and family by being completely selfish in the wrong situations! (Being selfish isn’t always a bad thing. It is NECESSARY to put yourself first at times).
My over analysing is probably due to me always missing the mark. Or overlooking something that seemed relatively small but turned into something huge and ends up hurting me later cause I did not see the signs.
I have always had no filter… and while some find it ‘refreshing’ others have found it ‘arrogant’ (Both of these descriptive words have personally been provided by my mum. 😀 ).
And I believe it was because of this I was bullied quite a bit. I mean I HATED my last year in primary school and through out high school. I would get stared at a lot, made an example of, put down etc etc and it made me incredibly paranoid and nervous, this combined with a difficult home life that was riddled with topic sensitive triggers…
I was(/still am) basically a nervous wreck about 90% of the time!
So scared to say the wrong thing or to come across as too weird or intense (which in all honesty I am… but that is something I’ve learned to accept and actually quite happy about now).
So this resulted in my spending most of my time by myself. In my room reading, in front of the telly watching tv, or doing various forms of embarrassingly geeky activities that makes me incredibly sad (Not sad as in unhappy but sad as in a MASSIVE geek/nerd).
I did have friends throughout my teenage years some good; CJ, PL and SD or some were not so good SB. And sometimes some where both; HB and KT. And there are the ones I still speak to now that I love very much.
GET THE LOOK
By now you must be thinking what does this have to do with my cinema phobia? Well here it comes!
The cinema basically makes me feel trapped and claustrophobic.
I acknowledge that this might be an odd feeling to associate big cinemas with claustrophobia but this is directly linked to an experience I had when I was a teenager.
I went with a group of friends to the cinema to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, as I explained before this is not a ‘normal’ activity for me to do as I am basically a hermit, a friendly hermit once I get talking, but my nerves would always get the better of me and I figured it was safer to keep myself to myself.
Anyways the way it worked out I was in seat that was nearest to the wall. I felt sick for some reason, I think we grabbed food before and I ate something bad or I ate too much? I can not remember how I felt sick exactly, and I absolutely HATE being sick.
I cry, I shake, I convulse! Everyone that knows me and has seen me hungover will know first hand just to what extent I will go too to NOT be sick even if I feel absolutely awful.
I was feeling incredible sick and because the movie was filled with candy and sweets and eating lots of food it was just making me feel worse and worse.
And I remember panicking and thinking of the social ramifications of me being sick all over myself in the cinema. I really wanted this group of friends to like me, and to not be left out again. I wanted to be apart of something, so I wasn’t always alone.
In hindsight I should have just asked people to move more so I could go to the toilet. I did once. But I knew it would be an inconvenience to go again to the people behind me for the whole row to get up so I could go and in my awkward teenage body I did not want to draw any form of attention to myself again.
So this feeling of claustrophobia in the cinema was born in that moment! Anyone that has any form of phobia that you, yourself know is completely illogical but still can not help will understand where I am coming from! (Please say you are out there!).
Also because I am a very anxious person I get the claustrophobic feeling in social situations in general. I just feel all prickly, embarrassed, for some reason teary and hot.
It is very confusing.
However the older I am getting I understand that it was not the cinema/darkness that I was scared of. It was the said group of friends thinking of me as being bothersome, or difficult to have around and therefore would stop speaking to me. (That is quite a dramatic assumption to get too I know but trust me, when you are young it has happened for lesser reasons than ruining a movie experience for someone or I just did not have very good ‘friends’).
Again this could be attributed to my anxiety and I put myself into such a panic over nothing but when you are battling your own mind it can be very difficult to do.
It is something that I am working on daily and consistently.
I know it is getting better. ^_^ I don’t mind not being by the aisle seat now. Before, whenever I would reluctantly go to the cinema I would feel very sick and HAVE to be on an aisle seat in case I needed to be sick.
Now I only slightly feel sick and can be a few seats away from the aisle – now THAT is improvement!
Do you guys have any ‘unusual’ phobias?
thanks for reading my lovelies