GET THE LOOK
Jacket: Topshop, old
Necklace: Topshop, old
(Similar version here)
This is a question I have been asked so many times that I usually answer it with another question: originally or where I grew up? Because I NEVER, ever know how to answer that. I mentioned before in a previous post “are we all ignorant?” that AB hated being asked where they were from originally… whereas I didn’t mind.
To me being asked where I was from its just being associated with talking about my adoption. And I am more than happy to talk about it so please feel free to ask any questions. Usually this type of conversation is better with some questions ahaha. Again trying to not TMI all over you lovelies which I have a massive tendency of doing.
Anyways for me and my family we’ve always been pretty open about it.
Let me paint you guys a word picture … we all know I love to set the scene!
My mum is blonde haired, blue eyed, pale and is from a wee village up North of Scotland my father is dark haired, pale and from Glasgow… and then theres me and my sister.
Its pretty obvious that we weren’t biologically her children when you saw all of us as a unit. However father was usually busy with work growing up so mum said that she would get a few oooh must’ve been the milkman jokes/references when folk saw her with us.
Although it wasn’t just the fact its was pretty apparent to others it was also because I was lucky enough to have a pretty open and honest mum. She told me I was adopted for as long as I can remember. When people have asked me when I first knew I was adopted can’t ever remember a time I didn’t know. It was like knowing your name, its just a fact you accept.
I remember the first time I questioned it- it was probably along the lines I got my first (and certainly not last) racist remark.
I was in primary school… genuinely can not remember the year or my age but it was when my mum and father were still together, before their divorce, so I was definitely under 8 years old.
Anyways I was in the classroom and a boy called Kyle, who’s birthday was on Valentines day… no idea why I still remember that… probably because I found it weird that a boy born on the a day of love and romance could be so cruel and hateful? Contrasts usually stick out in my mind. He said 5 words to me that resonate in my mind even after all these years;
“Get out of my country”
I was so confused.
I didn’t know what he meant.
I didn’t understand why I had to get out of anywhere.
He went on to have a rant about how I didn’t belong here. So later that day I went home and asked mum what he meant by that. And she just replied because I was adopted. And that was when I asked her what that meant exactly. That was when she went into vague details about how I was born in Peru and my biological mum and dad where still there. I didn’t get all the details then and there cause I was too young to understand them.
Throughout the years mum would reveal a little bit more of the story at a time till I could peace it all together. I’m not sure why she did it this way… probably because the story as a whole is a lot to take in and probably because it was hard on her as well.
She used to get really emotional about Peru and me talking about my biological (or bio-mum as I call her whenever we talk about her.) mum. Now my mum is fine but when I was younger I could tell it was a hard topic for her so I wouldn’t bring it up too much.
However this blog post is about my feelings and how I feel about being adopted. Without factoring in anyone but myself…so here goes!
GET THE LOOK
Thankfully because of the open and honest nature of my adoption I have always been kind of proud to be adopted.
I’ve always felt sort of happy and grateful that I have a mum that fought so hard to get me here. To give me a better life than the one I would’ve had in Peru in the 1980s, I looked it up and it was pretty bad back then, and I am very privileged to be in the position I am in.
But on the flip side of it, because just like I view situations in variant shades of grey I have mixed feelings about being adopted. Not for my mum’s side but my bio-mums.
I feel a bit … abandoned? No thats too strong. I suppose saddened? Unworthy?
Why didn’t she want me? Does she ever think about me? Do my brothers ever wonder what happened to me? (Yeah, sorry I forgot to mention I found out about 10 years ago that I have 2 older brothers back in Peru). Do they even care? Do they want to see me? Who is my bio-dad?
Thats another factor that plays on my mind – I have no idea what ethnic mix I am. I know I am half peruvian because my mum met my bio-mum but my mum never met my bio-dad. He was no where to be found. In fact my mum had to spend a couple of months in Peru to prove to the court she was trying to find my bio-dad, so he could sign papers to relinquish parental rights.
I was only 2 weeks old when my mum first saw me. She said I had worms, I weighted only 4 pounds and had the big malnourished belly you see on the adverts. I know I sound like a right catch…
I tell people I am half Japanese. Not sure if I am I just really really want to be. Although I feel like nows the time to stop questioning it and just take a blood test. I’ve seen a few folk have done that – from AncestryDNA and I’m planning on doing that… soon.
I am proud of my mixed heritage – whatever that may be. And I am proud to be Scottish. My mum’s family is a typically Scottish family and I don’t see them as often as I would like, which is probably for the best… we are a crazy bunch! But I feel so happy that they have all accepted my sister and I. I know there are people out there that haven’t been as lucky to have such an accepting family.
And it can be very hard.
I know sometimes I feel alienated from them and its not because of anything they have done or said its because of my own anxiety and issues.
I feel like being adopted is a very unique thing about me. It is a story that is interesting and makes me feel happy, proud, sad, flustered, curious and all sorts of emotion. I have such a mix of emotions and feelings towards it. I think this attributes to why I am bit scatty and all over the place.
I am a half Peruvian, half Japanese (maybe) born, raised in a Scottish family and sound a bit American/Scottish woman! Ta da!
Another common question I get asked is do I ever want to go back to Peru. The answer is definitely yes! I want to go very much.
In the past I wanted to go with my partner or best friends, but the partners/best friends that said they would go with me aren’t speaking to me anymore or they left me so I kept putting it off because I wanted to go with someone that would help me through the emotional journey.
I know my mum really wants to go with me, to be there for me and help. But if I am being honest – I don’t want to go with her. I would be too concerned with how she was feeling or how she was acting and if I’m being brutally honest I just want to be selfish and think about myself and how I am feeling.
So now I’d like to go by myself. Myself and my thoughts.
My expectations are not high. My mum warned me that there is a big chance my bio-mum probably won’t want to see me. Or will have said I died to her family. Which is highly possible. I am not going to get a mum because as far as I’m concerned I already have a mum. I just want to go and see her. I’d like to see where I get my genetics from. And maybe track down my bio-dad? Ahaha if that is even possible! Probably not. Sometimes in life stuff will always be a mystery and there is no point in dwelling on it.
Thanks for reading as always my lovelies
if you have any questions then please feel free to DM, comment or email me!