GET THE LOOK
Jacket: Zara, old
(Similar one here)
(Similar one here)
I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston. This was one of the songs I listened to on repeat when I was dating HM. HM was my first love… it was intense. It was as if any slight negative thing HM did/said to me broke my heart and left me in tears… I felt like he was my soulmate… like I NEEDED him to validate my existence.
I think first loves are always that intense but.. I don’t want that kind of love in my life. That kind of love is not worth it… or even real. To me.
Everyone remembers there first love, or if they are one of the rare lucky ones, are still with them (if yous are reading this then share your stories! It hasn’t worked out for me but I love hearing others love stories, I am a wee romantic at heart! This might come as a surprise to those that know me now… as I am as far from a romantic as possible!) but most just think of them in the back of their mind or not at all, cause they are usually attached to a not-so-nice ending.
I dunno about you guys but when I fall, I fall hard. I have no clue if it is due to any subconscious adoption issues of abandonment or my un-feminist helplessness need ‘to be rescued’ (which thank god I don’t have anymore!!). I still am an intense person, especially when I like someone I get all goofy and shy and joke about inappropriate shit like ‘he’ll soon be my husband… he just doesn’t know it yet’.
The first time, the first love, the first kiss. All those things should be special but personally for me, they also had with them an unhealthy attachment to my partner.
Did you ever just feel like your world would end if they weren’t with you? That you couldn’t possibly be with anyone else? And if you were with someone else they would pale in comparison to your first? If this sounds familiar I touch on this subject in my ‘self worth is a balancing act…’ post about my re-commitment to myself, to my body and what that means to me.
I am not saying that my ex’s after HM weren’t as good as HM because lets be honest they were, not by much (Apart from LF who is amazing), but they were. I think what I am trying to say is your first love is always special because you’ve never been in love before and you have no clue how to handle yourself or your emotions.
It’s like when your learning to ride a bike, you don’t just jump on without any injury, you first get one with stabilisers and then practice until your confident enough not to hurt yourself. And then you take the stabilisers off. But there is not stabilisers for falling in love. You just fall!
Sometimes you fall in a correct direction for you and your still with the person and other times you fall in a completely different direction and end up fucking it all up, or they fuck you up. Or both happens.
This has happened to me by some of my ex’s and I’ve done it to some of them. I’ve never claimed to be an angel. I don’t want to be, because I have made more than my fair share of mistakes. Done or said stupid things to hurt people I care about and been hurt and torn apart by people whom I held dear to me. They broke me into so many pieces that I didn’t think I had enough parts to put together again.
This brings me back to my earlier point… I don’t want to have that feeling ever again.. and thats ok. I don’t want to be broken and put together by another person’s words and actions.
GET THE LOOK
Does that make me sound jaded? I hope not. Does that make me a bit sad that I don’t ever want to love that deeply again? In all honestly yeah.
I said earlier that I am romantic but when I was younger I was a heavy, heavy romantic. I used to believe in so many things that makes me sad to think about now. Because I have come so far from what I used to be and what I wanted to be. And its that side of me that I am slowly, genuinely taken me over a decade, to come to terms with letting it go.
The little girl that used to believe in soulmates.
The little girl that used to want a big family with a loving husband who would never hurt my feelings.
The little girl who was so naive to how cruel people can be and how cruel she in turn could be to others.
All these thoughts makes me sad and to an extent angry. And I get so sad at times thinking about it, that I just want to cry with anger and pain. But the older I am getting the more I’m beginning to realise that if I hadn’t gone through that then I wouldn’t be the person I am now. I talk about this in my ‘The only me I can be…’ post inspired by The Greatest Showman.
I may not always like how I can be, or certain aspects of my personality that offend people (because I tend to do that often… a lot! my bad!!) but I am me, I am not a bad person. I am someone that has been fucked about so many times by some many different types of people that I don’t want to trust anyone again but I, like ALOT of people out there, will still be looking for the good in others. But also being cautious for my own mental well being.
And this is why I don’t want that type of love my first love was. The co-dependant, everything is in my partner love. That all consuming love sounds great on paper. But is fucking terrifying!
My friends tell me I need to take a risk in order to find that special someone to be with, that finding someone is worth it.
I get what they are saying. I don’t want to be closed off to new experiences or potentially new relationships because I can’t love like that anymore. But what I am saying is that I am not some naive young girl that hasn’t been in love, I have been in love. And that level of dependancy, for me, is not worth it. And to be frank it is too much pressure for my partner. And to myself.
That intensity level is like a kettle boiling over. That pressure building is not a healthy one. For me. Again this is from my perspective. I have every faith that out there are couples that have that level of love and it works for them and they are happy. Good for you guys! I am not dismissing their love. In fact that love makes me happy.
I just know because of the way I am I don’t want that kind of love for me. I want a more realistic type. One that starts off slow and builds over time. Kind of like the way Laurell K. Hamilton’s character Anita Blake describes how she fell in love with Jean Claude;
“I stared at Jean-Claude and it wasn’t the beauty of him that made me love him, it was just him. It was love made up of a thousand touches, a million conversations, a trillion shared looks. A love made up …a determination to neither of us would change the other, even if we could. I love Jean-Claude, all of him, because if I took away the Machiavellian plottings, the labyrinth of his mind, it would lessen him, make him someone else.”
– Laurell K. Hamilton, Cerulean Sins.
That is the type I want. I want to love someone because of who they are, even the parts that annoy me, and thats what I want in return. I don’t want my world to end when they are gone.
To love and be loved, but not have an all consuming love. I want to be an ‘I’ and ‘Me’ and not just a ‘we’ or ‘>insert partner’s name here<’s girlfriend’. I realise that the types of relationships that have partners supporting each other and having lives apart are better. For me.
So I suppose the way I want to end this post is by saying thank you. Thank you HM, AM, DC, SC for dumping me. Because if you guys hadn’t I wouldn’t be where I am now.
Happy and Free to be me.
Thanks for reading my lovelies