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Crop Top: Shein
If you asked me when I left school where I would be at 29 I would’ve probably said married with my second kid on the way and living in Japan, acting as a translator. (When I was 18 I lived in japan for 7 months! When I got back to the UK I just wanted to go back there asap!). However at 29 I have done a 360 and gone in a completely different direction… and I couldn’t be happier!
I have to start by saying I don’t feel 29… I still feel the same as I did when I was 21. What I mean by that is I still have a very immature sense of humour and I am still very easily amused! I didn’t realise how little I had changed throughout the years until I went to my father’s birthday party.
To give you guys some background info; my dad and I had been estranged for 7 years. Through my own reasons and decision I did not want him in my life. However, like I have said before in previous posts I never see situations in black and white. My hard decision to not speak to him was revoked due to the persuasion of my mum. She was very close to her dad and wanted me to have the same. So I decided that maybe her hindsight might be worth looking into and I decided to speak to him again. And now I work 1 day a week at his company to help him out/he help me out.
Right back to dad’s birthday party; I hadn’t seen a lot of folk there for nearly 2 decades. One of them being my dad’s sister… aka my aunt. I didn’t recognise her and it was a rather funny/embarrassing first encounter! ahaha! Thank god dad’s birthday was a whole production and everyone had bloody name tags cause I felt super embarrassed at the amount of people that knew me and I didn’t know them!
My mate Michael came with me to be my emotional buffer. And he commented that the common observation from everyone about me was that I hadn’t changed a bit since I was a kid. As in the way I interact and converse with people hadn’t changed at all… which I found quite interesting.
Michael said he could imagine me being the same when I was a kid as I am now which makes me incredibly happy. I was a very happy and bubbly kid despite every thing that was happening at home. It was only when I started getting bullied in primary school that I started to pull into my shell and let the demons I normally compartmentalised to my home life into my social life.
And several of my friends have told me that I do not act like am 29, which I take as a massive compliment. I don’t think I’ll ever be fully an adult… and I am very happy about that. I take matters to seriously as it is so the fact I can do that and still hold onto my childlike glee is a good thing, in my eyes.
I know I should be freaking out because I still haven’t landed my perfect career job, still single and still having a more loses than wins with my inner battle with anxiety and mental health issues.
But the main emphasis in that statement is I SHOULD be… as in the only reason why I feel this pressure to be at a certain stage by 29 is because of what others are putting on me. And it is well meaning, you know when you meet folk you haven’t seen in an age and they ask if your still single or what job your doing? You have to repeat your answer and then justify it. Its the justification part that bugs me… I shouldn’t feel the need to explain where my personal journey is taking me… because it doesn’t look the same as one person or another doesn’t mean I am not going anywhere or that I don’t have the ambition to do it.
In fact as my title says I am finally feeling fine at 29… it has taken me 29 long years but this is in fact the best I’ve felt. Ever.
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And even then it isn’t that much! Ahaha but I am finally seeing results from my gym sessions (Thank you so much PT man!). And I finally know what I want to do with my life aka career wise!
When I was younger all I wanted was to have 2.5 kids, get a husband and potentially have a great career in something or other… it tended to change a lot between vet, lawyer, actress, dancer, translator… but nothing was definite. Nothing that I wanted to look into too seriously which meant to me that I didn’t really want to do it. They were just fanciful notions that I had.
And I wanted to achieve all this by the time I turned 29.
However that was when I was a kid and now that I am actually here I know what I want to do. I want to be a social media/digital marketing manager for an international fashion brand that I love and have a passion for.
I want to be physically strong. I want to have muscle definition. Grow my shoulder boulders and grow my glutes. Create the hour glass figure through dedication and hard work.
I want to grow my blog and reach people that are similar to me or find some solace or comfort or humour in my posts. I love meeting new people and hearing their stories and if I can or if they ask give some advice.
I used to offer solutions to problems but as I grew up I realised that I can not offer the solution to peoples problems. I am not in their situation, I do not see nor understand it fully so I just try and reflect back to them. Or give my opinion on what I think is going on and then offer several possibilities.
Does this help folk? Probably not ahaha but it is the best I can do! And I want to be there for them when I can.
I’d also like to find someone.
Find a partner that makes me laugh, a partner that can handle me at my most intense moments; through my family dynamic it is gonna get intense no matter what happens.
I’d like someone that isn’t going to let me down. I don’t want someone that’ll promise me everything and then disappoint me. I want someone that is honest with themselves and their capabilities to handle/not handle my intensity. I don’t need someone to give me solutions – because there is none- I want someone to listen to me when I need them to listen/be there if they say they can be there and then we laugh it off and talk about our next adventure.
I don’t want intensity all the time.
In fact if I get another partner that 2 months in the relationship talks about marriage or kids I’ll probably dump him. That seems to be a bad omen for me. As soon as my ex’s started speaking bout having kids or what to call them together or where we would get married I then got way too involved too soon and then shit hit the fan.
Give me lots of laughs, lots of sex and lots of chats and I’ll be happy!
I have a feeling that I am going to be happier in my 30s than I will in my 20s because I am beginning to have some faith in myself and in my worth.
Thanks for reading my lovelies!!