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My back up plan… It was something that I had been thinking in the back of my mind for quite sometime. A family. Starting one… or maybe not having one? I’m not 100% sure if I do want one… but what I do know is that I want a back up plan, just in case I do.
I mentioned before in my previous blog posts (The type of love I don’t want,,, being on of them)… that whenever I get involved with a guy they tend to bring up the kid talk… starting a family. Having a white picket fence and all that jazz.
I’ve been hearing that same old life-idealism since I was 19 years old and had my first serious relationship with HM, who was 26/27 at the time.
Tbf it was because he already had a child. So it stands to reason that he wanted that life he envisioned; His next child coming from the women he would spend the rest of his life with. Which was exciting to me at the time, cause that is what I thought I wanted.
But I have slowly come to realise a pattern… I pick guys that want a family, children, a ‘traditional’ home life because I thought thats what I needed to feel secure.
I don’t think particularly highly of myself, I’ve been knocked down and pulled apart by so many different people, and worst of all by myself. I am my own worst critic. I picked homely, family orientated men because thats what I thought would help me stop my anxiety from spinning out of control and give me the traditional family life I craved.
What is a ‘traditional’ family life? Well, everyone will probably have a different definitions of traditional… because every family is different. I like how all families are different. How they have their own little quirks and mini traditions. The small introductions I’ve had to exes and friends families has shown me this and I think all of them have their amazing perks.
I love getting insight into different family dynamics.
For me the traditional family life would’ve been a dad who was actually around, a stable father figure who genuinely cared about his family and his wife. Someone whose life wasn’t revolved around appearances, money and power. And a mum that wasn’t so scared of disobeying dad that she isolated herself from her family and friends because he manipulated her into making her feel worthless.
Sound a bit extreme? That was my home life.
I’ve been aware of men manipulating women ever since I was a kid, to me that was my normal.
And cheating? Isn’t that just what every man did to his wife? Oh wait, your dad doesn’t have a 20-something mistress? Oh wow… how weird… And he doesn’t scare you shitless when you disagree with him about the slightest thing? Mmm… I think my family ‘normal’ isn’t a very healthy normal!
Having to grow up way before my years to handle that mentally and emotionally draining onslaught of instability has left me with a completely understandable jaded view on marriage.
I happily believe in divorce though! 😀
I have also stated in a previous post I wanted my Prince Charming to save me. I wanted to get swallowed up in another persons family so I didn’t have to deal with my own, I could choose to distance myself because my new family wouldn’t be as complicated, nor has scary.
However, what I’ve come to realise is I don’t suit well with ‘traditional’ family settings. I thought I wanted that life to be my own normal. But my homelife combined with several life changing events that have left me emotionally scarred has made me such a poor fit with that version of life.
In order to have that I’d need a man I could trust, someone I can depend on, to be there for me and to help me when times are tough. But I don’t trust anyone. My experiences has proven that men fuck off/I push them away so much that they don’t ever want to speak to me.
Which makes me sad… but I respect their decision and thats that!
So, if your a woman that has never had a relationship that has reached the first year anniversary by the time your hitting your 30s, if you’r ever gonna have kids and you don’t want to be an older mum (nothing against it… just for me I know that is not what I want!), what do you do?
You have a back up plan… my own unique back plan.
GET THE LOOK
I remember I was seeing someone younger than me… by a few years. He and I were casual. We got along well and we were also relatively close friends.
We made a pact. That if we hadn’t meet anyone by the time he turned 35 then we would marry each other.
I wanted to wait till he was 35 because he was younger than me so then I still had time to find my ‘one’ before settling.
But then he got a gf and stopped speaking to me.
I thought that he obviously wasn’t a very good friend if he could stop speaking to me once he got a gf! So naturally that back up plan ended!
And I started thinking… do I really want to marry someone? Do I see myself walking down that aisle wearing a white dress being given away by my mum? (Obviously my mum would be giving me away… after my 7 year estrangement from my dad, and his… history, it would be so weird for him to give me away… he didn’t have the right too. In my mind.)
I only had a vague outline of that. I don’t see myself the marrying kind, because I don’t see myself trusting someone enough to WANT to have a big party to celebrate my monogamy with someone.
Do I believe in others getting married? YES! I definitely find weddings beautiful and I am so happy for others that have found their persons. It gives me all sorts of mushy, loving feelings for them and their love!
I just do not see it for myself.
So this comes back to my back up plan.
If by 35 I see myself wanting a baby and I am in a financially stable place then I want my two guy friends to donate some sperm.
I’d do it through IVF. I wouldn’t want to ruin my friendships with my friends by sleeping with them or arranging a back up marriage. Because I think it would be another facade to play in front of people.
I’d much rather make up my own rules.
Go about it my own way.
Solo with whoever the father is can be involved or as not involved as they want. But since we are friends they will definitely be in the child’s life. The thought of a child coming from me is very scary… the fact that this thought scares me just shows that I am so not ready for a kid. But who knows what will happen in 6 years? Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. But at least this way if I am ready by the time am 35 then I have the option there to create a wee human with a friend I love and will be, hopefully, at the very least a caring uncle!
I say two guy friends because its always good to back up your back up. Or even better if both of them are free then I could get both and it’ll be like a 50/50 split on who’s going to be a dad.
Can you imagine me going to the baby scans with both of them? Ahaha, it’ll be like am their surrogate.
One did joke that he would faze me out once the baby is born so he and the other guy could raise the child on their own!
I’ve already asked one of them. He said he would be up for that… pending on agreed upon names.
That was actually a lovely day… we were laying in the park watching the blue sky through a tree branches with beautiful bright green leaves, picking out potential baby names/surname combinations. What I use his surname? Or a hyphenate?
It was honestly the most relaxed baby-naming experience I’ve ever had. And, unfortunately, I’ve had a few. This one was good cause I knew it wouldn’t end up with him breaking my heart… because even if he found someone to spend his life with and couldn’t donate his sperm I would be happy either way – who doesn’t want their friends to be happy?
But it was funny and relaxed to chat about names, how we would co-parent. Of course this is all pending on him and I not finding our partners we want to start a family with.
He probably will soon… MH is such a loving and amazing guy that I’m sure he will find his future wife. But its nice to have that potential just in case.
I still have to talk to the second friend. I’m going to be seeing him at the end of the month so will ask him then and see what he thinks about it.
Before I left MH he said I should never stop looking for my persons cause I never know when he might turn up.
Well tbh I think not looking would be a nice idea for a while. I have been pondering the idea of cutting off all contact with guys to give my head and heart a breather. I just don’t want to start something I have a feeling am not going to finish.
Again. Am the type of person to keep trying until I physically can not do anymore. In this case when the thought of any man touching me gives me the ick thats when I know I’ll stop.
Do you guys have a back up plan?
Thanks for reading as always lovelies