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Earrings: Zara, old. Alternative one here.
Shorts: Zara, old. Alternative one here.
Heels: Zara, old. Alternative one here.
Bag: Zara, old. Alternative one here.
I remember I did this as an option post on my twitter… I tend to do little polls on there whenever I am struggling to pick a topic to do and this one received no votes what-so-ever and I couldn’t figure out why… then I realised my followers probably thought I am going to talk about how sad I was about my parents divorcing – when in actual fact I think it was the best thing they could’ve done!
If you guys have read any of my previous posts you will have an inkling as too why I am so thankful for divorce. (I touch on it in ‘The back up plan…’)
I have heard of the negative affects of it, how it can break someone… knowing that their parents are splitting up and partly blaming themselves. Well that part I am not 100% certain. I’ve just read about that child guilt in psychology 101 books. Or you see the affects on sitcoms.
Although I, and my sister, were the cause of my parents divorcing and I am so, so glad of that.
As you would know in my previous post ‘“Where are you from…?” How I feel about being adopted’ my mum couldn’t have children of her own. So she went to Peru to adopt me and my sister.
She went during a time of civil turmoil… this was near the end of the 1980s; this was when the Guerrillas where running riots, there were curfews put in place to stop potential bombings, mum told me you couldn’t go to the bank for fear of getting shoot.
And she did this when she was 28 years old.
She was a year younger than me when she went to South America during a time of civil war to get her two children.
And she was on her own. Dad didn’t want to stay to help her. He had to go back to ‘take care of the business’. She fought long and hard to bring me and my sister to Scotland, to give us a better life.
Our life is so much better now than it would’ve been if I had stayed with my bio-mum. She was a very poor woman, or so my Mum tells me. I have not seen a picture of my bio-mum nor have I gone back to Peru since I was born there. I will do, one day.
I know how much guilt my mum feels that dad is the way he is, and I know how bad she feels that I had that exposure to how cruel men can be from my own dad. But as I have repeatedly said to her, it wasn’t HER fault that he has done what he has done. It is HIS fault for being that type of man. He needs to take accountability for his actions and the consequences of them.
Which to this day he still hasn’t.
I remember all the fights they had, the fear for my mum, hoping she would be ok, knowing I was too small or too immature to do anything to help her… and wishing more than anything that I could.
I remember when I was a little girl, I used to keep lollies or sweeties underneath my pillow.
I’d keep them there so that when mum used to come into my room crying after another awful fight where dad would yell hurtful vile things at her to put her down and make her feel bad, I would have a wee treat to give to her.. in hopes that it would make her feel better.
I was only about 5 or 6 so at that age I knew that when I was feeling sad thats what I wanted and obviously mum would want the same? Of course not… ahaha but in this case it is the thought that counts. Or so I hoped.
I could see how sad she was, how hurt she was being around him and his cruel actions. He is a very calculating man, quite devious and yet also very charming.
I remember being so scared a lot of the times. Scared to leave mum alone with him, yet scared to stay and I was scared that either me or my sister would piss him off and he would take out his anger on mum. Or even more scared that he would take his anger out on us.
I remember being so happy when mum moved my sister and I out of that house. I remember feeling this big sense of relief that I didn’t have to play tip toe around him in our home. I was happy and yet not much changed. He was never around much anyways, and when he was it was always a temperamental time. I had to be very careful what I did or said.
Mum divorced my dad when I was 8 and it was the best decision ever.
I know some people see their parents divorcing as the worst thing that could possibly happen because their parents appeared like such a stable unit.
And this might sound weird… but that is probably what makes the divorce worse, when it comes as an unexpected (awful) surprise. To not get their kids involved in martial matters, either on purpose or by accident, can be a slightly cursed blessing. A blessing because no kid should have to see their mum being scared of their dad or seeing their dad getting abused by their mum, it is not a very healthy exposure to relationships at an early age.
However in mum’s situation it was impossible to keep dad’s actions/reactions separate from my sister and I. I think its because we were young, but he didn’t seeing us as people to pretend in front of. We were just background folk that couldn’t do much but watch and pretend everything was fine when his clients were around.
Divorce can be such a happy ending… when the relationship involved is poisonous. I am so proud of my mum for leaving my dad… she is such a strong and inspiring woman.
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I know divorce will not always evoke a happy reaction from people. And for those people I am happy. Not happy they are hurting, but happy that their family didn’t have a volitive home life and they then, in turn, had to witness it.
Of course when I do hear how upset people are that their parents are divorcing I don’t automatically go to happy because that would be me just being an asshole, and weird.
I hate that they are hurting, and yet hopeful. That they will eventually see their parents happier apart and they can get back both of their parents, their ‘happy’ parents, and potentially expand their family (with step siblings/parents) and lots of love is shared all around!
Of course life is never that cookie cutter. But it is a nice way to think when something is ending and it is a sad one.
Mum had 14 years of abuse from dad. 14 years of his mind games, manipulation and cheating ways but she said that when my sister and I came along that was the catalyst she needed to get out.
She did not want her two daughters growing up thinking it was normal to be subjecting to that from a man. She wanted to go out on her own and prove to herself that she could do it, despite what dad told her.
And she did.
She had her own chiropody business. Got back into nursing, after dad made her drop out. She did all that while trying to take care of 2 teenage daughters that were brats.
Was she an angel?
Of course not! She was just as difficult to live with as we were! She was stressed, she was handling a lot of shit from dad, all of that and still trying to give him access to us because it was the ‘right’ thing to do.
I’ve never understood why mum insists on me speaking to dad. When I was younger I had to because she told me too. But when I was old enough to stand my ground I refused to see him for 7 years.
I asked her why and her reply was ‘he’s your dad’.
That answer just baffled me.
Mum’s dad was amazing, Papa was a character! (He taught me my first ever swear word – ‘bloody’ ahaha mum is still shocked that a swear word was one of the first words I’d learned, I think its very me and therefore very appropriate!) But my dad wasn’t anything to write home about. My step sister and step brother could attest to that.
But I trust my mum, I trust her hindsight. She said that dad is getting older, I could wake up one morning and he could be gone… then I would regret not being in his life or letting him being apart of mine.
So hence why I started speaking to him again. A few years ago when I moved to Glasgow. And I felt like I could because I was living with my ex at the time, SC. SC said he would be there for me and help me get through it.
You can’t choose your family. And I certainly didn’t choose dad. But he is my dad, and I trust my mum so here I am working for him once a week… attempting to get reacquainted.
It has been… an eye opener!
All I could remember was how cruel he was, how intimidating and how scary, which he still is. A person doesn’t change that much. But I also see another side to him.
The cheery businessman, the respected Director of his company.
I went to his birthday party recently and I was blown away by how many good things folk had to say about him… granted they were all of a business sense but they were all so positive that I was flabbergasted.
I had no idea what to say in return.
That wasn’t the dad I knew.
That isn’t the man he is.
Did the real him affect his business? No… should it have because he devastated mine and my step mum’s family? I kinda thought it should have… you know.. karma and all. But after hearing how many businesses he helped and the lives he had in turn improved, I wasn’t so sure anymore.
I finally understood why mum stayed with him as long as she did, and why my step mum still does.
He has a very charming side. He is quite a commanding and charismatic man. And despite everything I know about him I can see what others see.
I know I have my Jekyll and Hyde moments (as in when am drunk they tend to come out more!) but what dad does is another level of that. His whole life is Jekyll and Hyde. He is forever switching from cruel to kind or dismissive to proud in nano seconds. His appearance is everything, how he comes across means the world to him. That and how much money he can get.
If he read my blog I know he would hate it… and instead of looking inward and self assessing WHY he fucked over folk he’ll blame me for putting out this truth about him.
But he doesn’t read my blog… he thinks its a croc of shit.
So thank god for small favours. I don’t want to be at the receiving end of one of his rages. I doubt I’d be able to survive. I also don’t want to edit myself and my views. If I knew he read my blog I’d have to do that because trust me… I definitely do NOT want to be alone with him when he’s angry.
So yeah, that is my T. That was my upbringing, and my first exposure to men; they numerous ways they can fuck you over! And that is why I think divorce can be a happy ending too – it can be the change for a new start.
To redefine yourself and come out the other end stronger because you are no longer tied to someone that drains you. Life is too short… why should you spend it being unhappy when you can be free and stronger than ever? Thanks for teaching me that mum… I’ve seen you struggle so much throughout the years and I am forever amazed at how much you still believe in people despite what you’ve been through.
How do you guys feel about divorce?
Thanks for reading as always my lovelies.
Please let me know if you have any questions or have a topic you want me to cover.