GET THE LOOK
Choker: Primark, old. Similar one here.
Jumpsuit: Primark. Similar one here.
Handbag: Zara, old. Similar one here.
My Sex detox was definitely long overdue. Caz had been telling me for a while that I should just cut out guys and sex all together. And I had been mulling it over for a bit but it wasn’t until I had that one last casual sexual encounter… and I realised I’ve just had enough…
As I have previously stated in numerous blog posts (“The back up plan…”), that I am the type of person that I’ll just keep trying until I can not physically try anymore.
I am the type of person that I give someone everything that I am. Apart from my full trust. Which as I’ve said before I’ve come to realise that I’ve never given anyone.
I thought I had. But hindsight is a wonderful thing and I realised I actually haven’t.
This all came about because of my last casual sex encounter.
I dunno about you guys but when I am hurt by someone I cared about I’ll be so outwardly hurt for whatever length of time, but then I’ll appear to be fine and to all intents and purposes I am… but that doesn’t mean the hurt I’ve felt is gone. It lessens a little bit. But its still there.
I still carry it.
And it seems to add itself into the other pools of hurt I have felt in the past. And unfortunately this is going to sound victimy (which I apologise in advance… it is a part of my personality that I hate. But it is there and its the part of me. Its the part that makes me angry whenever I am in hurt in sad situations because I go to a sad, self criticising space that annoys be, cause I can feel how victim-y it can be.) but I’ve been hurt ALOT. Like everyone has.
I dunno how people can have the strength sometimes.
If my outsides could reflect my insides and how hurt I’ve been by people that I’ve cared about and loved then I would be walking about with cuts and bruises covering all of my body.
I would be broken down into so many little pieces that it would be tough to put me together again.
I also carry with me the overwhelming guilt I’ve felt for when I’ve hurt others. I have hurt my closest friends and family. Sometimes on purpose cause I can be a dick (and drunk, or when I was younger just very immature) and sometimes unintentionally. But I still feel guilt and hurt that I could do that to someone else after I know how it feels. Its awful.
The reason why am bringing this up is because I was going through a break up when I lived in Dundee and I remember my friend, LJ, was surprised about how hurt and sad I was over my ex, DC, treating me so horrifically. LJ was shocked.
He said I didn’t realised you cared so much. I thought you got over it pretty quickly.
And then it was my turn to be shocked. Not angry, not upset just a bit shocked that it appeared to everyone that I hadn’t cared about DC’s treatment of me. I still remember what he said to me to this day, and it still has that little stig.
Like he intended.
But it doesn’t make me feel sick anymore. Which is good.
I think it was because I had met SC and he treated me so well and I was happy to have met someone that wasn’t cruel or would ever lift a hand to me.
But the hurt is still there. And I am slowly trying to let it go. Its a pool thats been built into an ocean by all the times I’ve been hurt my ex partners, friends, deaths, family members. I didn’t realise how much I held onto these emotions… I would push them aside and try to compartmentalise them into another category of my brain.
But am not that calculating. Or strong willed to keep my emotions into these boxes. I want to be. And in the past I’ve had to be, but thankfully for only short periods of time so it wasn’t too bad.
Anyway now that has been clarified I’ll go back to my reasoning behind my Sex Detox .
GET THE LOOK
I do not like bullshit.
I do not like liars.
In fact, I HATE liars.
I thought that if I just had casual sex then I wouldn’t meet any bullshitters because if am honest and only wanting casual fun then the guys would be honest and not BS me with false promises of romantic grandeur because I am not expecting it. Or wanting it.
I do not mean that ALL romantic gestures or sentiments are BS I just mean that unfortunately I seem to pick the wrong guys to get emotionally attached too. Their lovely words just end up becoming BS.
I do not want a perfect human being.
I prefer someone that owns up to their faults and takes accountability.
But anyway back to the story.
This guy… we were talking for bit. And the sex happened. There was a nice build up. Talking wise.
I said I just wanted casual. But I’d prefer a friend that I get along with that I happen to have sex with now and then when I go the itch.
He agreed and said that was what he wanted too. No hassle just a pal that you can have casual fun with.
A part of me could tell he was BS-ing. But I didn’t call him out on it. I had a gut feeling that he was lying. And I’ve always said to people to listen to you gut.
But I didn’t listen to mine.
Why? Why didn’t I listen?
I think a part of me was trying to not become too jaded, to paint all guys from my past experiences. But I realise that isn’t me being jaded, thats me learning from my past experiences.
We had sex. It was ok.
It was strange. My body was reactive but my mind just felt numb. I felt like my body was going through the motions of sex, but my brain was somewhere else. I just kept remembering how bad I felt that he hadn’t had sex in a long time.
And I didn’t orgasm. And he didn’t care.
That was it.
That was the moment that I was like I can not do this anymore.
I wasn’t bothered by my own pleasure, I was more concerned with his. It’s because I know how I felt when I hadn’t had sex in a while and how frustrated I was and how pent up I was.
But my total disregard for myself in that moment lead me to a startling clarity.
It was like all my sexual moments hit me at once. And I realised something.
I’m a sex addict.
Not a jokingly oh yeah I just have a high sex drive whoopsy doddle ‘sex addict’.
But a full blown addiction.
I’ve always said to people that I could be one. But since I can be quite dramatic, in a joking manner or when am having one of my intense emotional moments.
But that moment combined with my Sex(less) Diary I’ve been keeping and helped me realise that I most definitely have a problem.
Sex has always been an issue in all my relationships.
I either wasn’t getting enough, and then my partner was feeling pressured, which was awful for them and made me feel guilty. Or I was getting too much and I was hurting myself.
I haven’t had a relationship longer than a year. I’ve never had an anniversary with a partner. But I’ve had 5 serious relationships.
How is it possible to have 5 serious relationships if they haven’t gone beyond a year?
Because I lived with 2 of them, exchanged keys with another 2 of them and ALL of them had brought up the subject of marriage and having kids. Not me, them.
To me, when someone talks about kids and marriage then no matter how long you’ve been dating then it is serious.
So yeah… thats whats happening with me right now. By the time this will publish Ill be Day 23 of no sex.
At the moment its Day 19
and I get frustrated at the most weirdest moments… its quite interesting actually looking back!
I spoke to my friend CL about my reasoning behind my Sex Detox, and ultimately what I am trying to do is reconfigure my relationship with sex. And I am trying to stop my self worth being associated to what I can sexually do for another person.
Because I am tired of being used.
I am tired of being lied to.
I just don’t want it anymore.
I need to give myself time to heal.
In fact I was thinking of doing a youtube video on this topic because I feel like it is more in depth then I can even write about!
What do you guys think?
Thanks for reading as always my lovelies.
And I honestly really appreciate all your lovely comments and sharing your stories with me 🙂