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Jacket: Zara, sold out. Alternative one here.
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Photographer: Romy Binkhorst
In lamest terms. For me, yes. But is celibacy dating worth it for the guy? That is all down to him and how much he wants to get to know me for me.
My biggest worry has always been about the other person.
I originally didn’t want to date while on my celibacy kick because I didn’t want to go into the reasoning behind it and I couldn’t be assed with the bull shit. As I explained in my previous post ‘Sex Detox… when you’re just done.’ I originally liked casual sex because I felt that if I didn’t ask or expect much then I wouldn’t be disappointed or lied too.
That was part one and part two was that I didn’t want to feel bad about guys having blue balls. I don’t like it when people feel uncomfortable and its almost like I feel like I owe it to them to help relieve this frustration.
Which I do not. I most definitely do not. NO ONE does.
I know logically speaking that I do not owe anyone anything. Especially sexual stuff. But again this goes back to me not wanting anyone to feel uncomfortable and especially when your attracted to someone you don’t want to let them down.
And the very fact I feel this way is another huge reason why I am doing my celibacy. My relationship with sex and men is a bit all over the joint.
I feel like I need to reset my sex button. Rewind back to the time before I had sex.
This might come to shock to some people but I lost my virginity at 18 years old. I wanted to save myself for someone special. And before I had sex I went on very few dates, I was too shy to ask people out and never really got asked out much myself.
So unfortunately I am a massive novice when it comes to the dating scene and the getting to know folk through dating. Which I really want to get back into.
I actually had a tinder date last night… lets call him KS. KS and I went to bar home and as usual I TMI-ed all over the poor guy. Told him about my celibacy thing and briefly went over why I started to do it. However I went in depth about the background behind it which is a bit heavy for first date convos.
I tend to do that on dates. TMI all over it and either make the dates feel uncomfortable (which I feel so bad for doing) or I scare them off (which I do not really care about. I do not need a shitebag that can not handle real shit.).
KS is fortunately quite laid back and shared a few experiences too which is always a good sign. And comforting, so it is not just me that is continuously exposing myself.
Not physically… dirty bastards.
Ahaha although to be honest I did wear quite a low cut floaty dress. It was pastel green with white polka dots. I love the cut and feel of it! But I was forever holding it up so I didn’t flash my nipples all over the place.
Although since we ended up in Polo for a night of wonderful cabaret singing it wouldn’t have been too bad. It was honestly such a fun night – nothing beats a beautiful drag queen singing Disney songs :D.
KS ended up crashing over and we slept on the couch after watching netflix and genuinely chilling. It was nice. He seems nice. He didn’t pressure me at all and I really appreciated it.
I want to date. And I do not want to lead anyone on or hurt anyone.
I asked KS am I leading guys on dating while being celibate? Am I being a dick?
I wanted a genuine response and he gave me one. As long as am honest and let guys know that there is no sex on the cards, then thats ok. And he made me aware that most guys wouldn’t put up with it. Which in all honesty is what I expected.
Can you have a relationship without sex? Nope not at all. But you can develop a strong foundation before you have the sex.
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And that is something that I want to achieve.
Although having a strong bond before the sex can be a bit of gamble. What happens if you aren’t compatible sexually? What if he has a small penis? Or what if you don’t satisfy him?
I find sex to be an important part of a relationship and thats probably why I have been in the advocacy of try before you buy.
However that hasn’t gotten me very far in the relationship means.
As I have previously said I have never had a relationship longer than a year… so my mindset of try before you buy needs to be revisited.
Celibacy for me is almost like an unintentional screening tool. I don’t mean to test guys but this is proving to do just that. I need someone that is quite understanding and patient.
Plus it is a brilliant way to protect myself. I can have casual sex, not anymore but I have been able to and enjoyed it.
But I do find sex to be incredibly intimate and can be quite soul revealing.
The way someone touches you and how you respond to that touch can say a lot about the bond between people.
I don’t like how vulnerable I feel around men and sex. It makes me uncomfortable and its quite an intense feeling, for me and potentially for my partner.
I think I look like a lost girl and its probably because I do feel a bit lost when I first have sex with someone.
This celibacy thing, I am hoping, will help me not be so … uncomfortable with first time sex.
As I told KS I like to be a bit drunk or at least tipsy when I sleep with someone for the first time. It helps lower my inhibitions and calms my anxiety down so I don’t let my fear overwhelm my other senses.
I guess I am hoping that if I wait long enough with no expectations from others then I can heal myself. I don’t want to depend on others and I don’t want others to feel like they need to help me.
And if a guy doesn’t want to put up with that then that is more than fully understandable. I do not mind guys that do not want to wait or put up with it. Would I think less of them? Not at all. I would think less of them for trying to pressure me into sleeping with them through guilt trips. If they wanted to walk away I’ll respect that and be all ah well c’est la vie.
I am doing this for me. This is the most selfish thing that I have done and yeah I do feel bad for dating and not having sex.
But I am more stubborn and the more a guy tells me to do something or to change my stance on something because of his wants and needs over mine?
Makes me want to stick to it even more. And if he is worth it and we are compatible then it could potentially be a fun thing.
If a guy wants to wait out the calm then I’m pretty sure they will enjoy the storm.
I love sex. I just don’t love the hurt that tends to come with good/satisfying sex.
Is it so hard to have great sex within a healthy stable relationship?
I hope so. I just haven’t found it yet.
Thanks for reading as always my lovelies.