GET THE LOOK
Hat: Primark, Similar one here.
Waist belt: ASOS, old. VERY fun alternative Vinyl look one here.
(Actually wish I saw this one so I could wear it with the outfit.)
Shoes: Primark, can’t find online. Similar option from ASOS with thicker heel here.
Photographer: Romy Binkhorst
I, with the help of KS, had a mini relationship revelation. Hence why I am having a relationship overview. Before you get excited no I am not with KS… I like his chilled nature and he is easy to bounce wonderments off of!
As I have said before in last weeks post ‘Celibacy dating, is it worth it?’ I TMI’ed all over poor guys I go on first dates with. Well… whoever I go on dates with in general.
The same goes with the Sex chat. I’m pretty sure by now you guys have guessed I like sex. And I have no qualms about talking preferences and some experiences.
KS said that I give off this ‘I’m going to fuck you and fuck you hard vibe.’ Which honestly took me by surprise. I dunno why. Potentially because I am so honest about a lot of things so it makes sense that I come across as some sort of sexual deviant woman?
This isn’t the first time I’ve been surprised by how I come across to people (I first mention it in my ‘Sex Detox… when you are just done.’ I came across as some cold hearted person that gets over break ups in the blink of an eye! Which is not the case… unfortunately.)
You would think someone that is sexually open would have a satisfying sexual history in
relationships… which I do not.
I said this before in my Sex Detox post;
‘I either wasn’t getting enough, and then my partner was feeling pressured,… Or I was getting too much and I was hurting myself’
I’m like goldilocks but instead with porridge/beds its was sexual compatibility. I have always been looking for that toe curling, spine tingling sensations that you read about in books. That moment where your body is shaking, slick with sweat and your eyes are rolled into the back of your head type of pleasure.
I have been pretty damn close to that description a few times. Sometimes when I was in relationships and sometimes from a casual encounter.
But I have still felt something lacking…
And I thought it was a sexual technical issue… by that I mean either he didn’t have enough stamina or I wasn’t capable of having that intense orgasm. (Just like how some girls can come easily through one type of stimulation while others need a combination of multiple stimulations.) I was beginning to think I maybe wasn’t programmed that way. That I just wasn’t physically capable of having that soul satisfying sex.
When in actual fact it could’ve been because I haven’t been in a relationship with someone that I fully trusted. If you can’t trust someone then you can not be exposed and if you can not be exposed then how can you have that spine tingling passion?
That full connection with someone that leaves you breathless yet energised?
Vulnerable yet stronger than you’ve ever felt?
I guess what KS said surprised me because I haven’t had the best sexual compatibility with
people. I thought it was because of my lack of honesty. About what I want and about what I like. Which I overcompensated by being TOO open about it.
Sex is such an important part of a relationship that I want to know as soon as possible if I am compatible with another person… which hasn’t always worked well with me. Because I’ve had guys overestimated their want for sex (SC) or overestimated my bodies endurance capabilities for sex (LF).
But it seems my honesty is like a barrier for people.
Its like I keep the focus on the fun sexual side… almost like I do that to balance out the intense side of me. Which can be so confusing for my partners.
This relationship overview is hard… and ramble-y. But basically what I am trying to say is that being sexually honest on a first date might give off the wrong impressions. But will I change?
GET THE LOOK
In short answer terms … No.
Will I edit myself a little to be a bit more personality forward then sexually forward? Yes.
I do like a sexually adventurous partner. I just can’t handle vanilla sex. Well thats a lie… I do like it every now and then. But I like to have different flavours and tempos.
And in fact KS’s analysis of how I come across hurt my feelings. I am not sure why I was hurt. I think it was because he was indirectly calling me an easy slut… which he wasn’t. But that is my over sensitivity talking. My insecurities.
I realise I’m telling everyone my achilles heel. But telling someone your weakness and trusting them not to use it is something that I do often. It is a nice way of figuring out who your real decent friends/partners are. The nice ones will know your weakness and not go there cause they know how far that knife will go. And the not-so-nice ones will throw it in your face constantly. Even though it’ll hurt and your feel so betrayed, you’ll see that they weren’t a true friend/partner to you in the first place and at the same time help you build your intolerance to it.
That is my theory anyways.
Everyday I am hoping it works. But thankfully I have finally surrounded myself with good people that know a lot about me and do not call me names.
Or make me feel bad about my past. Which some of my ex’s have done. As much as a side of me would like to change my past, I can’t.
And another part of me doesn’t want to have to change part of who I am just to please some narrow minded person.
I want to feel free to be myself. Sex and all.
I need a guy that is not only ok with me being open and honest about sex but is open and honest in himself and what he wants.
Everyone has sexual kinks.. some they are open about, most they are embarrassed about.
I’ve met a few people in my lifetime that have had interesting sexual quirks that are not my thing but I am intrigued by why they have them. (For example I knew one guy who got turned on by my feet. It was a new one! I am not a massive fan of my feet but I was curious why he liked them so much!)
The celibacy started because I was tired of being used. But what it turns out is no matter how honest I am about what I want I cannot get very far if the other person isn’t as open and honest as me.
I need someone that is self aware. Self awareness in themselves and in others. I also need someone that has no qualms of telling me am being a dick without being a dick about it themselves.
I have no problems at admitting am in the wrong… sometimes it takes me longer than other times to get there but I am always keen to acknowledge my fault in situations.
I also need someone that isn’t going to taking advantage of my willingness to take ownership of my wrongdoings by shoving all the blame onto me and not acknowledging their part in it.
Its hard to find that balance. And basically my relationship overview is… I need a version of me that is calmer and laid back! Ahaha
Thanks for reading my ramblings lovelies.