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Chocker: Miss Selfridge, old. Similar one here.
Jacket: Primark. Similar one here.
Bralet: Vintage, Similar one here.
Skirt: Miss Selfridge, old. Similar one here.
Boots: Vintage. Alternative one here.
Of course you did! My feed has been flooded with Suicide Prevention Month quotes/statements/stories! This is an incredibly positive step forward! The more we talk about it the easier it will be for those to open up.
I have done some research into this topic. If you guys want to read the same report and data as I have then here it is.
I have had my own personal experiences with suicidal thoughts and one drunken case where those thoughts tried to manifest itself into action. So much so that the police got involved. Long story.
I didn’t want to go into my story over written word. I wasn’t sure it would come across correctly.
Once I create my YouTube channel I was going to do a video on the first suicidal experience. Would that be something you guys would benefit from listening too? If so please let me know. I want to be able to help people. If I can…
What I do feel like I can talk/write about is the last time I had a suicidal thought.
The Mental Health report says statistics highlight that suicide talk is highly stigmatised, yet it is needed to be spoken about more than ever; A 2017 figure shows that suicide causes one death every two hours in the UK.
And I know first hand why it is stigmatised from a personal point of view.
I can’t remember the exact date but I remember the year, 2016. The only reason why I remember the year is because I was dating SC.
When I feel bad about something I tend to forget dates I just remember feelings and some parts of the event. Numbers and time always gets away from me, slips my mind. Like water dripping through my fingers.
I remember SC and I were having one of our many arguments. This time I’m pretty sure it was over something menial and insignificant like washing the dishes. SC is a typical boy that didn’t like to do the dishes and he, like me, would like to come home and chill after a day at college or work.
Now I completely understand where he came from and I am also very guilty of leaving the dishes in the sink for a bit.
But I’m not really sure how the argument got so heated from that.
But it escalated with SC shifting all his issues with moving down to Glasgow onto me; he had to do a job he hated because I moved down, he had to be friendless because I moved to Glasgow (SC had it in his mind that people in his course didn’t like him whereas he got invited to more college nights out than I ever did for uni nights out!), his ‘squad’ was leaving him out because he ‘had’ to move down with me (and also I did feel bad for that because his squad hated me and that was a point of friction between SC and I) and how everything he was struggling with and had to put up with was all my fault.
The weight of this blame combined with the fact I was still feeling guilty from when I was a dick to him got to me.
Thats when I felt it, that horrible, dark thought.
‘I don’t want to be here anymore.’ Thought.
I felt so bad by how hard he was struggling, I knew how self conscious he was about being left out and I wanted to help him out so badly but I felt useless, worthless and just defeated.
I had to get out of the flat. I drove somewhere, about a 15 min drive away from the flat, parked and called the Samaritans.
That is why I am such a big advocate for them. I know they work and help people. (If you follow me on instagram I have shared their number a few times for others to use when you are feeling down.)
I couldn’t tell Caz, because then that would put her in an awkward position (she kinda already was because she was living with an arguing couple, which can never be easy) and I couldn’t tell my mum because she was already having her doubts about SC. I didn’t want to make matters worse.
And also because I felt like it was all my fault.
I didn’t deserve to go to my friend and family because I believed what SC said in that moment; that it was all my fault.
So I called Samaritans and just cried and cried. I talked to someone until I calmed down and came to a realisation that it wasn’t my fault. I never told SC to move down with me; I asked if he wanted to come down. I even told him to not come down for me because I couldn’t handle that level of responsibility. I understand that moving city is a big deal and needs to be for your own reasons. I remembered how hard it was for me to move from Scotland to Japan when I was 18 and how scary it was so I got how SC would be feeling.
I managed, with a HUGE help from Samaritans, to get myself out of that pit. I promised myself I wouldn’t feel that way again, when I was 18 I felt that way very strongly, … and I was saddened that I got to that stage because of a fight with SC.
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Once I got back to the flat I told SC that I had to go for a drive.
And I was debating whether to not to tell him about my call to Samaritans. I didn’t want to burden or worry him. But he was also my partner and I wanted to be honest.
Plus I am a big advocate of being honest in a relationship – to a fault as it would seem.
Because when I told him about my call to Samaritans he just got really angry and upset with me that I called them in the first place because of him.
How did I think that made him feel? What would people think of him when they found out his girlfriend had to call Samaritans because of a fight? How would he come across?
I felt so so bad that I just told him it was all my fault. That I am just predisposed that way and it wasn’t his fault that I had a dark mind.
This is my personal experience from talking about suicide being stigmatised. He was so angry at me for calling them in the first place that I didn’t get the chance to tell him how good it made me feel to have a good cry to someone that wasn’t going to feel bad about how upset I was.
I am a very emotional person and so was SC so I knew how much it hurt him when I was upset or angry at him. This is from personal experience, I did get really angry at him and it hurt him. I hated hurting him. So my guilt over that made me even more determined to not take it out on him.
His reaction made me close up.
And I didn’t tell anyone until after he broke up with me.
I didn’t want people to think badly of him.
I still don’t.
The main reason why people don’t talk about suicidal thoughts (From my experience) is because of the guilt they feel by hurting other people’s feelings. I never wanted SC to feel bad or to get angry at me.
I am not sure how I wanted him to react.
But I know when he reacted the way he did, and when we broke up, I was really angry at him. I couldn’t believe how selfish he was and how he never even asked me why I got to that point in the first place. Just focused on how bad it would make him come across.
That initial anger gave way because SC was right, we weren’t compatible. We weren’t a good couple and even though we wanted to be, when a couple has such fundamental differences there are times when caring about each other isn’t enough.
It wasn’t just the fight with SC that set it off, it was an accumulation of a lot of different factors; I was doing a masters degree, while working part time at a job I was regularly crying at, the usual family issues that I am always handling, whilst also trying to mediate between Caz and SC (Caz liked SC but SC wasn’t a massive fan of Caz) and I then had SC pushing all his negativity onto me; it was overwhelming.
More so because I was feeling so bad about myself.
I know logically speaking that having down thoughts about yourself is completely different from suicidal thoughts – I am not saying they are the same. What I am saying is that when you are constantly trying to battle your own inner demons and guilt then to be in a multiple different stressful situations combined with a stressful home life made it easier to be tipped to that side.
When people get to that point what they need to remember is how much pain the people they will be leaving behind will feel. Its easy to feel in that moment that no one will care or miss you. But everyone has a bigger reach than they realise.
For me, I just need to think about my mum and nieces. Thats what got me to calm down. Thats what makes me never want to have those type of thoughts again.
I couldn’t bear to cause my mum anymore pain. I want to be around to see my nieces grow up. I want to be able to help them if they need me too. I don’t want my mum to have to handle stressful situations on her own!
I know everyone has dark moments when they feel like no one would miss them if they were gone.
But it is important to remember that to at least one person out there you not existing would make their world crumble. You are someone’s world.
Its just hard to think that way when your battling your inner anxieties.
But it is true.
I know it. Because I am without a doubt an incredibly annoying person and I don’t have a lot of friends. But I know that if I weren’t here my mum and my nieces would be super sad and I don’t want to make them sad.
Everyone has a person.
Remember that my lovelies
(And also.. Samaritans number is 116 123 just in case you want to talk to someone. I sometimes find it easier to speak to strangers when am feeling low.)
Thanks for reading 🙂