GET THE LOOK
Cardigan: Urban Outfitters, sold out. Similar one here.
Skirt: Primark, not online. Alternative one here.
Trainers: Primark, not online. Similar one here.
Bag: Primark, not online. Alternative one here.
Photographer: Romy Binkhurst
Now this is a question I have never been asked by someone but after being told I come across as over confident several times, from a personal and business perspective has left me reflective… what a surprise! So where do I get my over confidence persona from when I am actually an anxious bubbling mess most of the time?
I am quite surprised that I have been termed as over confident. I have spent most of my life not having enough confidence in myself to even be treated correctly let alone being over confident enough to demand to get special treatment.
Everyone has trigger words that cut deep. I spoke about this before in the previous post.
And I discovered after a particularly disastrous tinder date, when the guy Vince, made me cry because he referenced several times how ugly I was.
I knew he was joking.
I mean he’s from Glasgow so he was incredibly sarcastic. Logically speaking if he thought I was ugly then he wouldn’t have been on the date for as long as he did. Or even matched to me on tinder if I was so ugly.
I knew logically he was kidding and it was all laughs and giggles. But as the night wore on and the more I drank the less funny I found it and it just took me back to the times that people I’ve loved and cared for have called me ugly.
I genuinely don’t think I am beautiful girl. I think am okay. And if you like asians then I guess you’ll find me attractive, but even then I am only half asian so am not even asian enough.
I am pretty and I am happy to be pretty. The term beautiful or breath taking make me feel so uncomfortable cause I do not see myself that way.
And in the past when I dared to even think of myself in that way partners I’d been with in the past made sure I didn’t think that way by the end of it. I almost feel embarrassed that I ever thought of myself as beautiful because I ‘am nothing special’ that is a quote from LF. Whenever he would get drunk and angry he would say things like that, like he could do better than me in Edinburgh.
And yes this is the same LF that I still care about and love now. We were not a good couple and what he said cut me deep.
I don’t have the luxury to feel over confident about myself. Because when several people you have loved say such horrible things and treat you so badly having any form of positive thoughts about yourself is an unexpected win.
So how could I come across as over confident?
I looked up the definition;
“having strong belief or full assurance; sure:”
I do have very strong beliefs. And I am a very passionate person about them.
That must be where the overconfidence comes from. When I talk about subjects in my blog I am very passionate and enthusiastic about them. And I am not shy about sharing them or my experiences. I am not confident in myself but I am confident in what I have learned through my life experiences and sharing that with others in a way that I hope is fair and sees an experience from all different angles.
Like I have always said there are two sides to every story and sometimes they two versions need to meet in the middle and somewhere in there that’ll be the truth.
Can having strong beliefs and being passionate about sharing them contribute to over confidence? Or is there more to it than just having an opinion?
GET THE LOOK
Another thing I contribute to coming across as over confident is my memory, or rather lack of memory.
I sometimes forget what I look like. And because of how ‘ugly’ I sometimes think I am that is an incredibly good thing.
I forget how unattractive I am and I just live my life doing me. I am a big believer in ignorance is bliss. I have very thin skin so when people say negative things about me I take it to heart and fret over what they said and why they said it. But I am slowly beginning to not care. Not in a don’t give a shit about folk kind of way but in a I am me and I can not change who I am. My appearance is a part of me, it was brought to me by my bio mum and whoever my bio dad was, and that is something that is unique to me. Which I am proud of.
For example, right now I am not wearing make up on a train full of people. I know I have bags under my eyes, cause I haven’t slept properly, and I have a huge spot on my chin that I popped so its red and flakey.
Now do I feel self conscious about that?
Do I care that people can see it?
At this present moment in time no, because I am writing my blog post. Also, I have not looked at myself in a mirror since this morning cause I was running around trying to pack my bag from my family reunion in Aberdeen.
So in this situation ignorance is bliss.
I know I look bad but I didn’t look at myself properly so I do not know how bad. But I did pack make up for going out tonight because I haven’t been out in Aberdeen since I went to uni there so I want to look as good as I can!
I know I frustrate people or people think I am lying because I am so outgoing and friendly but as my mum knows I don’t think that highly of myself.
My over confidence is something that shocks me because I know I am not. And when I looked it up having over confidence is usually seen as a negative thing. But when people have told me I am over confident I know it wasn’t meant as a read or anything like that.
This interpretation on my personality is interesting to me.
It could be this over confident persona that piss people off about me and maybe thats why they feel the need to put me down, or ‘take me down a peg or do’ as the saying goes.
I’ve that term being used before and it makes me wary. I remember when I was younger I used that term to describe an overconfident player boy that got played by someone he cared about I just said it was karma for being such an ass.
So this is probably karma getting back at me for having those thoughts.
I used to get my confidence by putting other people down, in my mind and sometimes with my friends.
But getting your confidence by wanting to dim someone else self belief is a horrible way to do it. And I never want to think that way again.
If people where keeping it 100 with themselves and those around them everyone has gotten confidence in the past by thinking badly of others or putting others down because they see themselves as above that person in one form or another.
And thats fine. To an extent.
Cause we are all human, and its a natural defence mechanism that we all have when we are feeling low is to attack others.
But just because its normal doesn’t mean its acceptable.
Now my confidence is slowly growing in myself thanks to the gym and people joining me on my gym journey to building muscles. I love feeling like a powerful woman.
Feeling the muscles grow in my arms, back, legs and glutes give me massive confidence boosters.
Where do you get your confidence from!?