Yes, in a nutshell. Being in love is a scary notion. Especially when you’ve been hurt in the past. It is a fear that resonates through your whole body and sometimes leaves you paralysed with fear.
Why write about love being scary?
I was looking for inspiration. No topics were jumping out to me, nothing was making me want to type, no topics were jumbling around my mind. I had a mind blank, when your looking for topics to write about there has to be a line between what you share and what you don’t share.
Like when I wrote my blog post about Neil, my step dad’s passing in ‘Times not always a healer: In loving memory…‘I asked my mum to read it first. Because it was about her husband and I wanted her to feel comfortable with what I was sharing.
Anyways back to my search. My first stop is usually Chloe Plumstead’s blog – the way she writes is so poetic and insightful that I can’t help but feel enlightened. She makes you laugh and cry at the same time. With her honest and vulnerable words.
She wrote this blog post called ‘With Pleasure Comes Pain: The Fundamental Risk of Being in Love’ and I was blown away by how hard she hit the nail on the head.
She is so spot on with how I personally have felt about being in love. When I was younger being in love was more aspirational as I was never the type of girl that would get boyfriends. I would just be on the sidelines watching people falling in love, getting in relationships, wishing I was one of them.
I can’t write as beautifully as Chloe but her words have pushed this topic into my head. And as I was just talking about this with Caz and Jack last night I feel like it is something that I should probably share with yous.
Also if you have the time check out Chloe’s blog post on the topic. Honestly you won’t regret it. She is the master of words and metaphors!
Am in in love now? How does it feel? Why was it unexpected?
Yes, I love Jack very much.
We’ve been together officially for nearly 7 months and I do love him. It’s scary and exciting. It’s intense and comfortable, unreal yet familiar.
Loving someone when you thought you were done with love is scary. Before I met Jack I didn’t want another relationship at all. As you can guess from my blog post ‘The Back Up Plan’ I had mentally prepared myself for being alone and adjusting myself to being okay with that. Happy even.
After my horrendous track record with relationships, the helpless feeling of not being good enough, not being worthy enough to have people stick around. I wanted to get rid of that lost feeling. I wanted to accept the probability that I would be alone and I would be happy with that. Which I was. It was a comfortable feeling, one of closure.
I’ve seen too many people in my life stay in relationships when they were unhappy for fear of ending up alone. I remember I was speaking to one person a few years ago, MC. She is in a horrible relationship and we ended up talking for hours about all the events that have happened to her because of this relationship. I told her she needed to leave him. Why didn’t she leave him? Her résponse was;
‘When you get to my age you don’t want to be alone. Being alone is scarier (than being in a relationship)’
I didn’t agree with that. I told MC I would rather be alone than be in a relationship where I am treated badly. I don’t think age has anything to do with it. The older I am getting the more I want to just be happy.
But, I have to acknowledge, it is so easy to say that from the outside. It is harder to accept that way of thinking when your in so deep there doesn’t seem to be an escape. A way to not only get out of it but to survive it.
I have stayed in relationships where I had been treated badly. Or made to feel like everything was my fault. To have their guilt transferred onto me that I not only had my own insecurities and negativity to manage but theirs as well. I had to take on the burden of their blame because they didn’t have the self awareness to realise that this blame wasn’t all on me, and my behaviours. But their insecurities and their fears.
Being with Jack is something I never expected to happen. I never saw myself in another relationship. I never saw myself meeting someone that is so opposite to me in many ways and yet so similar in others.
They say opposites attract, they can compliment each other. I believe that. They way Jack is and how we are together is fun. Again I’ll say its familiar, by that I mean we are comfortable around each other, and yet I am finding out new things about him on a daily basis. There is a reliability in him that I find comfort in, yet there is a spontaneity that he exudes that makes me unsure of what he is going to say or do next. This sometimes leaves me apprehensive but mostly just excited, what is he going to say next? What dark sense of humour joke will he surprise a laughter response from me?
To sum it up being in love is scary af, I have no clue what our future will hold. Because how can you determine a future when you’re just 7 months in? You can’t really, not logically. You may want to, I know I do day dream about it. Or sometimes even have actual dreams about it. Which makes Jack laugh. In all honestly as much as I joke about future plans with Jack I know that talking to much about is probably not a healthy thing to do. Why look too much into the future when there is so much to discover in the present? I still need to get my career sorted, I still need to get out of this job I hate, I still need to reach my mental health and body goals.
And he has his own goals to reach. I keep saying that for a relationship to grow you have to want to help each other reach their goals. To want to grow beyond the person you initially meet to become the person they want to be. Or to be in a position the want to be in.
GET THE LOOK
Are relationships hard?
Of course they are.
They are hard work, energy put into another person and the worrying over them is hard.
The reason why I want to write this is because when you fall in love it takes two people to keep it going. It can’t just be one person putting in all the effort in and sacrificing so much for the other person. Whilst the other person is just coasting by and doing the minimal effort. That isn’t a good balance. Both parties need to work hard, they need to put the effort in.
If they want to. Both parties have to equally want to.
Now putting the hard work in a relationship can be misconstrued, because if you are putting all your energy into a relationship but your partner isn’t trying equally as hard. Then there is the hard fact to accept that if they aren’t willing to try then no matter how much hard work you put into it, it probably won’t get better.
They need to put the hard work in too. But there also should be an acknowledgement that everyone shows this hard work effort differently. People are different, relationship dynamics are unique to the couples, so understanding the effort your partner is putting in may differ from the effort that others put in is essential to acknowledge. So long as you find comfort in his/her efforts then that is a beautiful starting point.
This relationship is hard, but there is something that this relationship has, with Jack, that I have never had before. That knowledge, that 100% knowledge that he would never, ever cheat on me. That secure thought, of knowing in my heart and head that he would never do that to me is a new feeling.
Ever since my first love told me that if he wanted to break up with me he wouldn’t tell me, he would just wait until I walked in on him with someone else. That fear of someone cheating has just stuck with me. The fact it has stayed with me throughout the years probably says more about my own insecurities than it does on the quality of character of my exes. Or maybe both.
With Jack I KNOW he would never do that. That security feeling is something I never expected to happen either. I never expect to trust any partner ever. But yep, I found that in Jack.
Being in love is scary, yet if its with the right person, when you are in the right head space it can be totally worth it.
Or if you want to be happy alone then go for it. I think the pressures of being in an unhappy relationship is better than being alone shouldn’t be encouraged.
Love is essentially found in yourself anyways, as rupaul says ‘if you don’t love yourself how the hell you gonna love anyone else?’ Although those quote leads to finding someone else. But the first step is to find love in yourself and if you don’t want to go to the second step then you’ve find your love and happiness yourself anyways!
That being said, if both parties want to equally work at a relationship together, equally as hard then its worth it to try.
I love Jack, I trust him. He is my opposites attract guy who is yet quite similar to me in many ways. Being in love with him is scary and hard, but it is a relationship that also makes me happy.
Thanks for reading as always my lovelies.
What are your thoughts of being in love?