7 days till I turn 30. The count down till I officially enter into my 30s and I am, for lack of better words, shitting it.
I feels very surreal. Like I’ve mentally stepped into a fog, a haze that has time both running fast and achingly slow.
Why are you mentally foggy?
The fog is my mind trying to escape the fact that I will be 30.
I will be 30 YEARS OLD. I can’t be 30 so soon. There is a certain weight that is added to your mind, to your physicality when turning 30.
Or so I fear.
My mum says that when I turn 30 I’ll notice a change. I’ll notice a difference that is inexplainable yet undeniable. When I ask her to elaborate she just replies “you’ll know when you turn 30.”
Is there a euphony that happens when you wake up on the morning of your 30th birthday? Is it really that jarring? Or noticeable?
I am told I can be quite childlike or even naive which in all honestly I quite like.
I like being easily amused by certain things, I like laughing at silly words such as boobies and butts. I have a weird sense of humour that has taken me this long to embrace, even cherish, and by god I am not ready to let it change just yet!
Let’s be honest… that probably won’t change at all. Just my over thinking brain… well, over thinking again! Grasping at straws, looking at the tree branches and not taking a step back to see the forest. (I know the saying is can’t see the forest for the trees, but I can REALLY over think situations so I’ve super focused onto the branches.)
I have so many thoughts zipping across my brain. Some happy, some content. Whilst others are anxious and somewhat scared.
I don’t feel like I should be 30 in 7 days. I still feel in my mid to young twenties.
If I am going to be 30 in 7 days should I have my shit together? I hope not cause I definitely don’t! I am meandering by propelling myself forward as much as I can.
However, I do have so much to look forward too!! When I feel anxious or overwhelmed I embrace the negative emotion – wallow in it for a bit – and then push myself out of it by doing something productive.
Why is time going by fast?
The above statement sort of explains why time is going so fast.
I swear, it feels like only a week ago that mum, Caz and I were planning what to do for my 30th and I kept thinking .. aaaah I’ll deal with that next week – aaah I’ll get that booked next week. I have plenty of time to get stuff planned.
Zap to today and I am now panicking… FUCK! I have only a week to get everything together! Panic mode.
That being said, I am excited to celebrate my 30th.
To step into it with the same enthusiasm and can-do attitude that I’ve had throughout my late twenties.
Seems like I’ve done a 360 on my emotions right?
The downsides of being a Gemini and having thoughts zipping all over your head. There are some many different thoughts and outcomes that come from one topic.
As I’ve said before, and a lot, I never see situations as black and white but fifty shades of grey.
I want to make 30s my bitch, my decade of success and happiness.
This might sound completely random but there is a reason why my mum is so insistent that 30s are going to be MY time. And why whenever I’m feeling down or lost or old and defeated mum just keeps reminding me that my 30s are going to be my time.
You wanna know why?
I shall tell you why, I shall share, or over share. 😀
Because a few years ago, me, VB and GP went to the Edinburgh Christmas Winter Festival and we all wanted to see a Fortune Teller.
As a fun, silly activity for us to do.
The lady I got was an elderly woman, she was really lovely and seemed quite earthy. She told me a few things about myself that I was like yeah, thats pretty cool. I told Jack that she seemed like the real deal cause she knew I was adopted.
His reply was, well your South American and you have a white girl accent so it would be a smart conclusion to come too.
Anyways, she said that my time will be in my 30s – that all the trials and tribulations that I have been through will be worth it cause my 30s will be the best times for me.
Basically what she said is that my childhood, teenage and young adult years were hard but my 30s will be better and lord I hope so.
Being uncertain, being unsure and trying to find my way through life and work along side managing my mental health issues is something that everyone struggles with.
So we all understand and know how hard it can be, how trying it can be and how exhausting.
So even if it is slight, even if it is slim, its a nice reminder that mum gives me when she knows am down. Even though logically thinking the Fortune Telling was talking bullshit and I know that folk will judge me for taking comfort in it – but it’s nice, fun moment for me to find comfort in.
GET THE LOOK
Are you excited for anything else!?
Not just for maybe slaying my 30s but I have managed to get 2 weeks off work and I will be going on holidaaaaaaaaaaayy.
Nearly one week with my maw and another week with Jack – if he can get his passport back in time.
(Prays to all the transports/royal mail/hmrc admin gods to make sure this happens)
I am excited to get away and relax by the pool, have some chill time with mum and I have a few planned outfits ready to shoot and I am so excited to have some holiday content for you guys.
Also, my birthday night out is on the weekend before we fly away and I am having a karaoke night with friends and family. Followed by a boogie at Polo.
I love to sing, I can carry a tune – but not well. I LOVE those ballad-y songs that are full of emotion and a wide range. Which sucks for me since I don’t have a big range.
But I love to sing – so who knows I will probably share it on my instagram. My attempt at singing hard songs.
A part of me is cringing and worried about bursting peoples ear drums with my horrible voice and another part of me just thinks fuck it, it’s a laugh!
I don’t need to sound like Whitney Houston to have fun!
Another surprise to look forward to is something that mum keeps hinting at me… something is happening between 10pm to 11pm on that night.
Thanks to Jack and PT I have got it in my head that its a stripper. It has to be a stripper. Doesn’t it?
God, I hope it isn’t a stripper. How awkward would that me to have your mum buy you a stripper and your boyfriend is there?
I probably won’t be a stripper but I honestly can’t think of anything else that i could be.
You know what they say?
Ignorance is bliss.
Especially when it comes to surprises. Cause they can be very hit or miss, but when its someone that knows you very well its most likely going to be hit so might as well just enjoy the mystery and look forward to it… right?
The count down to 30 is weird.
Time is going by too fast, yet foggy.
Worrying too much makes you see branches and not focus on the bigger picture – the beautiful, big forest.
I love the idea of fortune tellers and seeing beyond the present. But I also understand that there are smart people out there that read body language and make educated guesses.
My mum may or may not have bought me a stripper for my 30th birthday party O.o.
Pending Jack’s passport coming back in time I have 2 holidays to look forward too for my 30th birthday.
One that will be relaxing by the pool, getting glam and doing shoots and another that will probably be a lot of sight seeing and riding a moped with Jack.
You know what? I am excited for both.
I like to do a lot of different things and thinking 100 miles an hour proves that my interest can be varied and all over the place ahaha.