This is a topic that I just discovered I wanted to talk about on Wednesday, social anxiety, so writing this up might be a little haphazard. I will do my best to ensure it makes sense.
This all started with a visit to my local pharmacy.
I had been there a few times, with Jack. He has really bad asthma so I’ve had to wait outside for him, and seems like it always takes forever because I would be sitting there for about 30-40 minutes. It wouldn’t bother me at all.
I would just wonder if he is okay, usually when we’ve resorted to do this it is because he hasn’t got any inhalers left or just ran out so it would be an emergency visit. A last ditch attempt if you will to make sure he can, you know, have the ability to breath!
I was there for Jack, I didn’t care about sitting in a car waiting for him. That didn’t bother me, it didn’t make me anxious or worry or think about how I come across just chilling in my car.
My pharmacy is literally about a 7 minute drive away from my flat. But according to my google maps it took about a 25 minute walk.
So instead of saying to jack btw, you gotta walk it. I would just normally take him. Plus I would be worried about him not having his inhaler so I wanted to make sure he’d get one.
Once or twice since I’ve been with him he has had to go to A&E because of no inhalers, so its a big worry of mine.
Why did you have to go to the pharmacy in the first place?
I ran out of anti baby pills.
That is what I call them because I am weird but the correct term is just pills, or cerelle. That is the type of pill I am on.
I was a bit anxious to begin with. I hadn’t taken my pill in a day or so and whenever that happens I immediately have slight ‘am I pregnant?’ worries, which I know is highly unlikely.
But when I don’t have my daily reminder of oh yeah I can’t get pregnant (by taking the pill) then its just an extra stress on your head that always grows and can get a bit of overwhelming.
So, when I went to the doctors to pick up my prescription I felt like I had a huge sign across my back saying I AM ON THE PILL AND THEREFORE HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX.
Which, in all honesty, is not something to be ashamed of. When you’re in a relationship with someone that you love, that is not something you should feel anxious about.
But for some odd reason it was for me. On that day.
Usually with situations like that I don’t really mind, I mean sex is sex. When you’re in a relationship forms of contraceptive is a necessity. I mean no one actually likes condoms do they?
I just felt all jittery, a bit worried, I wanted to make sure I could do that, and then go to the pharmacy and pick it up on my way to work.
I didn’t want to be late and face the embarrassment of saying why I was late.
I know I wouldn’t actually have to give that specific reason but I have no filter. I literally just pop out the real reason rather than think… wait the person doesn’t need nor want to know that little titbit of personal information about you… that is just plain over sharing!
GET THE LOOK
Why did standing in a queue trigger your anxiety?
I walked in, the pharmacy was long and narrow.
Obviously the till and prescriptions where at the back so I felt like I had to walk down a plank, or a super lightened detention hallway.
I passed a couple of older gentleman who stared at me, I mean I know I looked a bit out of place. This local pharmacy is a bit run down and everyone was talking like they had known each other for years.
A true locals type place.
My mum is from a small town up north so I recognise the calm familiarity they all had with each other.
And then I walked in and felt immediately uncomfortable. I can not stress this enough… it wasn’t because the staring was mean, or sneering wise.
I was just in general I don’t like to be stared at. Decades of bullying and mistreatment from groups of others makes standing out or being looked at very uncomfortable for me, I just ignore the stares. I tend to jump to the negative conclusion… (this is something I am working on… the constant negative thinking I know is not healthy.)
I walked hesitantly to the till, the two people in front of me were having a a lovely conversation about life. I usually quite like sitting back and waiting for the chat to naturally finish. I mean I’ve worked in retail before so you gotta have a chat to break up the boring pace right?
But today I didn’t feel right, there was another older gentleman that was sitting on the waiting seats beside me and he was just point blank staring.
No side glance, no sly look and then look away just face turned to me, arms crossed, eyes not really blinking staring at me.
I caught his eye once of twice while I was waiting and I just sorted of did that half smile, eyebrows raise acknowledgement that people do.
When I was called up I handed my prescription over and then was told to confirm my name and wait.
So I stepped back and since the man that was sitting had 2 seats beside him I stood. There were a few older gentlemen waiting behind me so I thought one of them could use a seat over me.
And then I noticed that because I stood waiting, others would go to the till, hand over their slip and then go back behind me and stand to wait.
I felt like I was caught between the queue behind me and the man sitting down staring at me.
I started to get a bit panicky and something that I commonly describe as ‘ants’ started happening and they wouldn’t stop.
What do you mean by ‘ants’?
Jack is well aware of my past, what I have been through. Some of which I have shared with you guys, but not all.
I don’t feel ready yet.I am not ready for the public knowledge of some of the darker moments that I have gone through. Cause it can be quite re-scarring.
You and I both know there are some moments in your life that you know that any slight ridicule can open up that can of worms and it transports you back to when the wound was fresh and all that initial emotion just erupts out of you.
I have gone through some trauma. And some are unresolved.
So, what happens is my body sometimes gets ants.
The feeling itself is quite self explanatory. I feel like I have ants crawling all over my body and I feel so uncomfortable that I tend to disassociate a little bit.
Or in other words ‘zone out’, ‘daydream’ or ‘stare into space’. So if you ever catch me doing one of the things 8 times out of 10 I am just doing that. Nothing bad is happening I just zone out alot.
But every now and then I get ants and then not only do I need to dissociate but I tend to go away. I go to the toilet, or go outside, or go to a corner and recoup myself.
And I do not, unless I say so, like to be touched. That just makes the ants feeling worse.
While I was in the queue I started to get those feelings, the person behind me was a bit too close for comfort and I started to feel little anxious.
Standing in queues gives me that ‘ants’ feeling, social anxiety.
The reason behind it I am not entirely sure. But probably down to the fact I don’t like some stranger touching me.
I don’t like to be touched by my loved ones when I feel like this, can you imagine how I feel about a stranger doing that?
I call the pill an anti baby pill because I am weird.
Jack has bad asthma and always runs out of his inhalers and it makes me worry.
I feel like I have overshared a little bit, but isn’t this what my blog is all about?
Thank you so much for reading my lovelies